From the desk of:
Top 50 Albums of 2013
1. Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires in the City
2. Volcano Choir – Repave
3. Dale Earnhardt Jr Jr –The Speed of Things
4. Arcade Fire – Reflektor
5. Frank Turner – Tape Deck Heart
6. Daft Punk – Random Access Memories
7. Elton John – The Diving Board
8. Lorde – Pure Heroine
9. Avett Brothers – Magpie and Dandelion
10. Kanye West – Yeezus
Sexual Positions or Things You Might Find in Your Garage
- Long Red Screwdriver
- Dirty Sleeping Bag
- Rusty Bike Pump
- Cincinnati Bowtie
- Toyota Prius
- Iranian Gasmask
- Dirty Old Shoe
- Daisy Chain
- Angry Spider
- Vintage Schwinn
- Dry Erase Marker
- Amish Plow
- Canadian Jackhammer
- Ghetto Blaster
- Mormon Missionary
- Polish Toboggan
- Israeli Pocket Taser
You Have Cancer. I Have Alcoholism.
Tom. I just heard the awful news. Needless to say I was shocked and saddened to learn that you have been diagnosed with cancer. I cannot imagine what you and your family must be going through. I wanted to write you in a feeble attempt at inspiration. For I too have been battling a disease that threatens everything I hold dear- Alcoholism.
So you see Tom, we both have diseases. And while yours is eating away your organs and will surely kill you in less than 6 months, mine has forced me to go to bars night after night and sleep with strange and sometimes unattractive women.Oh who am I kidding, exclusively unattractive women. But yet I press on Tom. I will not go quietly into that good night. I am sure your family is devastated by the news. Mine was too when they first learned of my disease. My wife cursed the Gods the first
From the desk of:
Charles Barkley Patted (Jiggled) My Man Boob
It’s not every morning you wake up beaming with pride over your bosom. Well at least not if you’re a man.
Six months ago I moved to Las Vegas. The year prior to the move I had put in a lot of work at the gym and lost a good amount of weight. I was in pretty good shape, firm(er), had some muscle starting to show in select areas of my body, and had a chest that with dramatic lighting and a partially obstructed view could pass as pecs. This all changed after the move. Since I arrived I’ve been busy with work, traveling more and just never really got the gym in my regular routine. However I haven’t had much problem making time for food and beer in said routine. I’ve even found a new meal, it takes place between second breakfast and brunch. Anyway, as my routine shifted so did my bod, in particular forming gelatinous breasts. This is not something I was particularly proud of…until yesterday.
From the desk of:
Top 50 Albums of 2012
We made it to 2013 and the world didn’t end. Your reward, you ask? Only the greatest reward a human being can ask for…another albums of the year list. You lucky dog.
But before we get there, let us reflect on what was. England had a big year. The summer Olympics in London renewed our interest in gymnastics and gave us reason to doubt Danny Boyle and his ability to construct an opening ceremony, a prince went crazy in Vegas, a princess exposed her bubbies, and the country celebrated the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, which apparently is NOT a royal cruise, we cheered on Jesse Eisenberg (not sure why) when Facebook went public, then booed Mark Zuckerberg when stocks plummeted, there were plenty of tragedies with Jerry Sandusky, Hurricane Sandy, and Newton,
meaningful presidential elections took place across the globe, including one Mitt Romney and his misfit clan of overgrown boyscout children versus the new, overly aggressive Barack Obama, then we capped off the year with the end of the world. Yet we’re still here. Or are we? No, but seriously, we’re still here. Which brings me back to music. So never mind the bullocks, on with the show.
50. Polica—Give You the Ghost
49. Cloud Nothings—Attack on Memory
48. Japandroids—Celebration Rock
47. The Flaming Lips—The Flaming Lips and Heady Fwends
46. Titus Andronicus—Local Business
45. Divine Fits—A Thing Called Divine Fits
44. Passion Pit—Gossamer
43. Kendrick Lamar—good kid, m.A.A.d city
42. Bob Dylan—Tempest
41. Tame Impala—Lonerism
From the desk of:
Baby Bo Butter
Boner Jamz: Best Songs of 2012
Beach House – Myth
Beach House’s vocalist Victoria Legrand has a voice that sounds like it’s from another time, or possibly another world. Well, she is French, so that’s kind of another world. Anyway, that Frenchy sure knows how to sing.
Gayngs – The Gaudy Side Of Town
Justin Vernon’s side project?… yes please. The Bon Iver front man teams up with group founder Ryan Olson, and about 25 other musicians, including members of Doomtree, Digitata, Polica, Megafaun, The Rosebuds, and Har Mar Superstar to create swelling music that makes you feel like you’re attending a zombie prom in the future. It feels like ‘80s George Michael with a contemporary and sort of eerie twist. “The Gaudy Side Of Town” is totally retro and totally fresh at the same time.
Phillip Phillips – Home
I never would have expected to write an endorsement for an American Idol winner’s first single, but Phillip Phillip’s “Home” really doesn’t fit the previous mold. The melody of the refrain will stick with you for days, and have you whistling the tune without even knowing it. It also doesn’t hurt that it was the theme song for the 2012 Olympic Women’s Gymnastics team, so it has that patriotic Springsteen quality. Maybe you’ve heard it 3,000 times over that past few months, but it’s still a damn good song.
Frank Ocean – Thinkin About You
Frank Ocean has redefined cool with his debut album “channel ORANGE.” It’s a little bit Kid Cudi mixed with some Prince, all done in a very understated and effortless fashion. It really is some sexy shit. Deservedly so, the album has received lots of critical acclaim since its release, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing and hearing a lot more Ocean in years to come.
The Shins – Simple Song
If you don’t like The Shins there’s a good chance you’re kind of a dick. Frankly, there’s not much to dislike. They’re clever. They’re sincere. They’re fun. They’re hip. They’re everything to all men. Well, maybe that’s a bit much, but they’re damn good. “Simple Song” was the first single from “Port of Morrow,” and is one nice ‘n’ meaty track with a theme we can all relate to. “I know that things can really get rough when you go in alone… I told you about all those fears, and away they did run.”
Grizzly Bear – Sleeping Ute
Brooklyn Indie Pop Rockers Grizzly Bear have created a distinctive sound that is all theirs. From the high, haunting vocals to the clean electric guitar tone, and syncopated beats, they’ve solidified their musical identity this year. “Sleeping Ute”(Ute is a Native American Tribe) mixes an aggressive acoustic guitar with a catchy electric riff and wafting synth to create a partly art house, partly pop, but all good song.