From the desk of:
From the desk of:
Charles Barkley Patted (Jiggled) My Man Boob
It’s not every morning you wake up beaming with pride over your bosom. Well at least not if you’re a man.
Six months ago I moved to Las Vegas. The year prior to the move I had put in a lot of work at the gym and lost a good amount of weight. I was in pretty good shape, firm(er), had some muscle starting to show in select areas of my body, and had a chest that with dramatic lighting and a partially obstructed view could pass as pecs. This all changed after the move. Since I arrived I’ve been busy with work, traveling more and just never really got the gym in my regular routine. However I haven’t had much problem making time for food and beer in said routine. I’ve even found a new meal, it takes place between second breakfast and brunch. Anyway, as my routine shifted so did my bod, in particular forming gelatinous breasts. This is not something I was particularly proud of…until yesterday.
From the desk of:
We made it to 2013 and the world didn’t end. Your reward, you ask? Only the greatest reward a human being can ask for…another albums of the year list. You lucky dog.
But before we get there, let us reflect on what was. England had a big year. The summer Olympics in London renewed our interest in gymnastics and gave us reason to doubt Danny Boyle and his ability to construct an opening ceremony, a prince went crazy in Vegas, a princess exposed her bubbies, and the country celebrated the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, which apparently is NOT a royal cruise, we cheered on Jesse Eisenberg (not sure why) when Facebook went public, then booed Mark Zuckerberg when stocks plummeted, there were plenty of tragedies with Jerry Sandusky, Hurricane Sandy, and Newton,
meaningful presidential elections took place across the globe, including one Mitt Romney and his misfit clan of overgrown boyscout children versus the new, overly aggressive Barack Obama, then we capped off the year with the end of the world. Yet we’re still here. Or are we? No, but seriously, we’re still here. Which brings me back to music. So never mind the bullocks, on with the show.
50. Polica—Give You the Ghost
49. Cloud Nothings—Attack on Memory
48. Japandroids—Celebration Rock
47. The Flaming Lips—The Flaming Lips and Heady Fwends
46. Titus Andronicus—Local Business
45. Divine Fits—A Thing Called Divine Fits
44. Passion Pit—Gossamer
43. Kendrick Lamar—good kid, m.A.A.d city
42. Bob Dylan—Tempest
41. Tame Impala—Lonerism
From the desk of:
Boner Jamz: Best Songs of 2012
Beach House – Myth
Beach House’s vocalist Victoria Legrand has a voice that sounds like it’s from another time, or possibly another world. Well, she is French, so that’s kind of another world. Anyway, that Frenchy sure knows how to sing.
Gayngs – The Gaudy Side Of Town
Justin Vernon’s side project?… yes please. The Bon Iver front man teams up with group founder Ryan Olson, and about 25 other musicians, including members of Doomtree, Digitata, Polica, Megafaun, The Rosebuds, and Har Mar Superstar to create swelling music that makes you feel like you’re attending a zombie prom in the future. It feels like ‘80s George Michael with a contemporary and sort of eerie twist. “The Gaudy Side Of Town” is totally retro and totally fresh at the same time.
Phillip Phillips – Home
I never would have expected to write an endorsement for an American Idol winner’s first single, but Phillip Phillip’s “Home” really doesn’t fit the previous mold. The melody of the refrain will stick with you for days, and have you whistling the tune without even knowing it. It also doesn’t hurt that it was the theme song for the 2012 Olympic Women’s Gymnastics team, so it has that patriotic Springsteen quality. Maybe you’ve heard it 3,000 times over that past few months, but it’s still a damn good song.
Frank Ocean – Thinkin About You
Frank Ocean has redefined cool with his debut album “channel ORANGE.” It’s a little bit Kid Cudi mixed with some Prince, all done in a very understated and effortless fashion. It really is some sexy shit. Deservedly so, the album has received lots of critical acclaim since its release, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing and hearing a lot more Ocean in years to come.
The Shins – Simple Song
If you don’t like The Shins there’s a good chance you’re kind of a dick. Frankly, there’s not much to dislike. They’re clever. They’re sincere. They’re fun. They’re hip. They’re everything to all men. Well, maybe that’s a bit much, but they’re damn good. “Simple Song” was the first single from “Port of Morrow,” and is one nice ‘n’ meaty track with a theme we can all relate to. “I know that things can really get rough when you go in alone… I told you about all those fears, and away they did run.”
Grizzly Bear – Sleeping Ute
Brooklyn Indie Pop Rockers Grizzly Bear have created a distinctive sound that is all theirs. From the high, haunting vocals to the clean electric guitar tone, and syncopated beats, they’ve solidified their musical identity this year. “Sleeping Ute”(Ute is a Native American Tribe) mixes an aggressive acoustic guitar with a catchy electric riff and wafting synth to create a partly art house, partly pop, but all good song.
From the desk of:
If you’ve ever said one of the following, than you quite literally might be a dumbass:
I’m so hungry I could literally eat a horse.
You literally make my heart soar.
That is literally the most amazing thing that has ever been uttered.
I’m so high I might literally float away.
I’m so full I might literally explode.
Mind blown. Literally, my brain is gonna explode.
OMG! That is literally my favorite ever!
I literally just cried my eyes out.
She is literally glowing.
That is literally astonishing.
I’m about to literally die of boredom.
I’m so thirsty I could literally drink a lake.
I’m so mad I could literally piss glue.
She’s so hot, I’m literally preparing my fire hose.
You’re so smart you could be an encyclopedia, like literally.
I’m literally so happy I could ride a pig.
I’m literally gonna piss on a racehorse.
From the desk of:
It’s time to eat and you have a craving for crustacean. You head to your favorite shrimp slingin’ establishment, order up your favorite, slightly more expensive, shrimply delicious meal and wait while your mouth waters.
When your food arrives you dig in like a mindless hobo when suddenly, there it is, the mother of all shrimp sins: a poop trail. That disgusting collection of dirt/sand/whatever the hell shrimp eat running along the back of your uncleaned, pink friend.
Man, there is nothing like a reminder that your protein choice is, in fact, a lowly bottom feeder. That basically you are about to eat the peasant of the sea. And probably that the shrimp you have already ingested contained trace amounts of shrimp shit.
So props to all the lazy cooks out there leaving poop trails undisturbed and bringing shrimp-loving snobs, like me, down to earth.*
*Totally joking, I hate you.
