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In the order of Artiodactyla the Studious Bison ranks among the most impressive. With its massive head and forequarters, shaggy, chocolate winter coat and curved horns the bison could be found grazing wide-open grasslands or thundering in herds from northern to southern California. Though he’s more likely to be seen writing a new editorial piece about his latest encounter with a public restroom or maybe even drawing a picture of hello kitty.
The Studious Bison comes from a line of creative animals with several albums, books, short films, musical productions and dance contests between his siblings and over 20 books by his father. The Bison himself has been writing, drawing and painting since birth, written and produced over a hundred TV commercials, nominated for Emmys and has an insatiable appetite for…well, food.
The Bison resides in northern California. And when he’s not roaming the fields with his wife and two daughters he’s hard at work overseeing the best damn intellectual bovine website on the planet. Buhlee dat.
The hateful humanitarian is just like his name sounds. Sympathetic and ruthless at the same time. You can catch him in his natural habitat in Northern California, opining on subjects in his trademark contrarians tone.
A polemist by nature he will often argue with you just for the sake of arguing. But also because he’s always right.
He lists his favorite things as prime rib, Marlboros, and whiskey. A creature of habit the hateful humanitarian has had more marriages than jobs and he is only 33.
People who read his stuff come away angry, laughing, or offended and if he wrote it correctly, all of the above.
The Lethargic Llama couldn’t be bothered to write a bio. People that have observed him in his natural habitat describe him as a cross between Larry David, Maya Angelou, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, Uncle Jesse Katsopolis and Bill Clinton.
What can we say about Penelope Prozac? She’s from a mythical land known as Rancho Cordova, CA, a land of rolling lawns and low-income housing. The product of a single-sex education, Penelope grew from an angry, bitter child into a slightly less bitter, larger version of herself. She now spends her days as a domestic ninja and bored subordinate, deciphering the disjointed instructions of a neurotic doctor. She was driven to drug use at an early age and to this day loses brain cells at an alarming rate. Valued for her love of 90’s punk and ability to produce beautiful children, Penelope Prozac is the jaded, jagged crust of the cherry pie that is Studious Bison.
This Machine Kills Fascists is more than just a name; it’s a way of life. A nonconformist, neurotic, disassociated malcontent who spends much of his time partaking in libations, jotting down folk tunes, and questioning authority; the Machine, as he is affectionately called, is something of a renaissance man. His writing style is popularly categorized as “the love child of the Bukowski, Joyce, Salinger, Guthrie, Warhol, Dylan, Hemingway orgy”. A grizzled veteran, the Machine has lived the hard life…riding the rails, fighting for freedom, and having a roll in the hay with every young vixen that crossed his path. With an imaginative mind and a truthful tongue, This Machine Kills Fascists has set out to cure the injustices of this great nation. Consider yourself blessed, for it is not often one crosses paths with a goat who walks upright…especially one full of piss and vinegar.
Slough and Steady is a pseudonym of a steadily slough specimen, west coast wanderer, whiskey-swilling misanthrope, and current inhabitant of the Pacific Northwest. His writing has appeared on textsfromlastnight.com, Craigslist’s “missed connections” forum in various cities, as well as the inside of Sarah Palin’s hand. With his writing, similar to his local watering holes, he can serve it up in any fashion; more often clean than dirty, sour than sweet, more neat, less dry, generally straight up, and occasionally garnished with a twist.
When he’s not reading or writing he enjoys fishing, hiking, playing bocce, drinking black coffee, eating salted meats, whittling collected birch scraps, and listening to jazz. Slough and Steady is the oldest young person you don’t know.
Hermit the Frog prefers to view the world from behind the blinds in the front window of his home. Impervious to small talk, he wears his disappointment for society in general on his sleeve. Adjectives often used to describe Hermit are narcissistic, agoraphobic, passionate, apathetic, fuzzy, adequate, unrelenting, buoyant, listless, and flammable.
Hermit has been married for 3 and some odd years and has one son, Loki, whom he adores more than anyone on the planet. He lives in Marysville, CA and works a thankless job at a government facility that drives him even deeper into despair.
Hermit the Frog cherishes any rare opportunity he gets to express himself creatively. His musical influences include Mystery Meat Market, 15 Minutes of Shame, Despicable Nipple, Schindler’s Fist, and Disco Ball Enema.
Hermit’s writings are indicative of someone with the attention span of a squirrel. So please read, pontificate, annotate, appreciate, or even annihilate the musings of one pathetic frog.
More than just a Middle-Eastern sandwich, Mr. Falafel is an unabashed cinephile with perspicacious tendencies and discerning tastes. As a writer and filmmaker, his goals are the same; speak his mind, get some laughs and use subliminal messages to forward his own radical beliefs. His films have been turned down my many notable film festivals and his writing has garnered near universal praise from almost half of his parents.
He enjoys good food, the outdoors, cooking for his wife and passing people on the running trail and once almost climbed Mt. Shasta. He lives in the Pacific Northwest with his wife and dog.
A simpleton who is frequently bogged down by his own existential musings, the Capricious Carnivore, nevertheless, has a dogged attachment to life’s unanswerable questions. An introvert and recluse by nature, he finds his refuge in the written word. Whether its the Bible or Nietzsche, the coyote searches for sustenance wherever it can be found.
Prone to wander, this coyote has called many Western locales home – California, Colorado, Oregon and now calls a cozy little valley in northern Utah home. When not preoccupied with the absurdities of life, the Carnivore relishes idle pursuits such as afternoon naps and Candyland. If nowhere else, the Carnivore finds meaning and purpose in changing diapers and making quesadillas for his three young pups and beating his better half in a game of Scrabble (never mind that’s only happened once).
Few things are more satisfying in life than discovering a nice, not-too-creamy, not-too-salty, stick of butter and taking a bite out of it. Such is the affect when unearthing the written word of one Baby Bo.
He’s often been compared to a young Justin Bieber, and much like the pop star, he’s been known to leave the ladies wanting for more of that Baby, Baby, Baby Bo.
Since his childhood years, Bo’s been surrounded by music, and it has become his main passion. A seasoned songwriter, he draws most influence from greats like the Zack Attack, Jesse and the Rippers, even Radiohead on occasion.
High in energy, passion for life and cholesterol, Baby Bo Butter will leave your taste buds and arteries full to the brim.
Although Meow Meow is the love child of a Steve Martin doppelganger and a certified breast-feeding specialist, which gives her inalienable rights to be a complete jerk and love tits, she was raised by D.J. Tanner, Master Splinter and the Spice Girls. These pseudo-parental figures taught her that her nine lives are way too short to wear boring duds and thus the very fiber of this ferocious kitty is woven from patent leather trench coats and mile-high leopard go-go boots.
Now as a grown-ass kitten, her fierce opinions are as bold as her wardrobe and equally as random, but that just might be the catnip talking.
Those who don’t know her well think Ms. Prick is a selfish, sarcastic, acerbic, jaded man-eater who doesn’t like to keep stuff in her pockets. Sometimes she bakes.
Every classic comedy troop, movie series or culture critiquing website, has a tall, elastic-faced member, who is an expert at creating sound effects that will blow your very mind. This is where the Rocksteady Sound FX Machine steps up to the plate.
Once thought to be the second coming of Michael Winslow, the RSFXM realized he could better utilize his time watching tv, playing video games, partacking in fantasy sports, and occasionally indulging in the finest libations offered by Anheiser Busch.
His unparalleled knowledge of Full House, Saved by the Bell, and the Simpsons wasn’t always viewed as a gift. The rhino realized he must hide his talents until the proper outlet was available for him: thank you Bison.
Although a Californian at heart, he resides in Seattle with wife and baby boy.