Six months ago I moved to Las Vegas. The year prior to the move I had put in a lot of work at the gym and lost a good amount of weight. I was in pretty good shape, firm(er), had some muscle starting to show in select areas of my body, and had a chest that with dramatic lighting and a partially obstructed view could pass as pecs. This all changed after the move. Since I arrived I’ve been busy with work, traveling more and just never really got the gym in my regular routine. However I haven’t had much problem making time for food and beer in said routine. I’ve even found a new meal, it takes place between second breakfast and brunch. Anyway, as my routine shifted so did my bod, in particular forming gelatinous breasts. This is not something I was particularly proud of…until yesterday.

Some old friends were in town for the weekend and we decided to meet at a party in the Mandalay Bay hotel. It was mentioned the day before that the famed gambler and power forward, Charles Barkley may be at this party. I had actually met Barkley 20 years ago after a Suns/Kings game at Arco Arena. He had been hit with two flagrant fouls that night so the mood was different, and the meeting was brief. I was a lean, pubescent 13-year old at the time, in case you were wondering. Yesterday, the girthier version of myself arrived at the party to find one of my friends looking for me. He handed me my pass and to the door we stepped. Just as we were about to enter the man himself, Sir Charles comes through the door in our general direction. My friend, quick on his feet extends a hand and says hello. Charles smiles and brings him in for a brohug. Usually laying low in situations like these, I was not quick on my feet, no hand was extended, no casual greeting was in place, instead I stood with hands in pockets as Barkley made an attempt to be as friendly and inviting as possible. He reached a hand out to me falling short of my shoulder, he cupped my right breast, jiggled it with purpose, said “What’s up man,” smiled and moved along. Though you might think I would’ve felt like a cheap call girl, in that moment my jugs had purpose. Without them he may not have had something to hold onto, and most certainly wouldn’t have had something to shake his hand back. It all came full circle. Inside the party I scarfed down a plate of nachos, then later followed it up with a trio of different flavored mashed potatoes. All the while thinking about my earlier encounter. My stomach, my mind and my breasts, were full.

But before we get there, let us reflect on what was. England had a big year. The summer Olympics in London renewed our interest in gymnastics and gave us reason to doubt Danny Boyle and his ability to construct an opening ceremony, a prince went crazy in Vegas, a princess exposed her bubbies, and the country celebrated the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, which apparently is NOT a royal cruise, we cheered on Jesse Eisenberg (not sure why) when Facebook went public, then booed Mark Zuckerberg when stocks plummeted, there were plenty of tragedies with Jerry Sandusky, Hurricane Sandy, and Newton,

meaningful presidential elections took place across the globe, including one Mitt Romney and his misfit clan of overgrown boyscout children versus the new, overly aggressive Barack Obama, then we capped off the year with the end of the world. Yet we’re still here. Or are we? No, but seriously, we’re still here. Which brings me back to music. So never mind the bullocks, on with the show.

50. Polica—Give You the Ghost

49. Cloud Nothings—Attack on Memory

48. Japandroids—Celebration Rock

47. The Flaming Lips—The Flaming Lips and Heady Fwends

46. Titus Andronicus—Local Business

45. Divine Fits—A Thing Called Divine Fits

44. Passion Pit—Gossamer

43. Kendrick Lamar—good kid, m.A.A.d city

42. Bob Dylan—Tempest

41. Tame Impala—Lonerism

40. Hospitality—Hospitality

39. Air—Le Voyage Dans La Lune

38. Tennis—Young and Old

37. Damien Jurado—Maraqopa

36. Of Monsters and Men—My Head is an Animal

35. The Walkmen—Heaven

34. Rufus Wainwright—Out of the Game

33. Donald Fagen—Sunken Condos

32. The xx—Coexist

31. First Aid Kit—The Lion’s Roar

30. Muse—The 2^nd Law

29. Aesop Rock—Skelethon

28. Stars—The North

27. Alabama Shakes—Boys and Girls

26. Father John Misty—Fear Fun

25. Bonnie Raitt—Slipstream

24. Cat Power—Sun

23. The Killers—Battle Born

22.  The Smashing Pumpkins—Oceania

21.  Glen Hansard—Rhythm and Repose

20.  The Tallest Man on Earth

There’s No Leaving Now: Question: If Bob Dylan was a better singer what would it sound like? Answer: The Tallest Man on Earth.

19. Beach House—Bloom

If you’re in the mood for a nap, look no further. Beach House has a honed sound that has been working on several levels for years. It’s easy listening in a new age form, that you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be heard listening to.

18. Fionna Apple—The Idler Is Wiser Than The Driver of the Screw And Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do

It should come as little surprise that this year’s award for “Longest Album Title” goes to Fionna Apple. She’s still as unconventional as ever. But in her conventional way. Her sound feels like it could belong in about six different decades, and I hope that doesn’t change.  

17. John Mayer—Born and Raised

In music, John Mayer comes in two varieties, the quiet, brooding, reflective, bluesman, and the upbeat, optimistic, modern-day Billy Joel/James Taylor/Jim Croce. “Born and Raised” is chocked full of tracks in the category of the former. In life however, John Mayer seems to come in only one variety, which would be best defined as a modern day Scott Baio. His former girlfriends include Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, and now Katy Perry. Wow. Bravo John. Bravo.

16. Band of Horses—Mirage Rock

I never liked the song “Ventura Highway”. It depresses me. Always has. In fact most of what America sang depresses me. I have a feeling 20 years down the road a younger generation is gonna feel about Band of Horses, and at that point I’ll be the guy insisting on listening to them still.

15. The Avett Brothers—The Carpenter

Within the recent trend of band naming, I would have to hand the plaque for best “Brothers” band to Avett Brothers. They are a mix of old world campfire compositions and sweet, modern folk. Though there are no jaw-dropping tracks like “I and Love and You” on this latest effort, it’s solid all the way through, and continues to build on a solid catalogue.

14. The Lumineers—The Lumineers

If Mumford and Sons were a genre, The Lumineers would undoubtedly fall under it. They take they sound to a unique place though. They’re no hacks by any means.

13. Friends—Manifest!

Deborah Harry should be proud. What for? For being hot, for being one of the original rappers, and most of all for inspiring bands like Friends to carry the torch she lit.

12. Andrew Bird—Break it Yourself

This guy really doesn’t get enough credit. Make a point to tell someone, some stranger, a mailman, a barista, some guy you yell at on the way to work, whoever you choose, just tell them to listen to Andrew Bird today.

11. Sigur Ros—Valtari

The iTunes Sigur Ros genre is called “Post Rock”. I don’t even know what that means, it sounds like Nietchze is now creating music genres. Point being I don’t know how one would categorize Sigur Ros, they truly transcend any genre, and it’s not through gimmicks or an effort to stand apart either. They just do what they do, and no one else can, and what comes out of it is music like you’ll never hear elsewhere. They’re one of the most interesting and best bands of the last decade and a half.

10. Frank Ocean—Channeling Orange

The award for “Music To Smoke Weed, Shop at Bebe, and/or Have Sex To” goes to…drum roll please, “Channeling Orange”! No but seriously, you’ll be cooler if you listen to Frank Ocean.

9. Mumford and Sons—Babel

More of the same isn’t usually what I’m looking for. Especially in a sophomore effort from a band with pressure weighing heavy. But in the case of Mumford and Sons it worked.

8. Grizzly Bear—Shields

You got your Fleet Foxes track, your Dick Dale surf track, your ethereal, new age hippy track. Then you got a bunch of other Grizzly Bear sounding tracks. This may sound like a bashing, but it all works. In fact, it’s exactly what I look for from a group new to fame, but experienced in music—growth, change, expansion, experimentation, all while staying true to what got you there.

7.  Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros—Here

For those of you who like your contemporary folk albums in a Manny Pacquiao style, you’re in luck. Because although this listener would’ve appreciated a little bit more in terms of length, “Here” is short and punchy. BUT what it lacks in length it makes up for in girth

6. Bruce Springsteen—Wrecking Ball

Try as you might to dislike Springsteen. Cast stones at his gruff voice from decades past, at lyrics fit for Farm Aid, at his blatant effort to sound old and new all at once. Then when you’re done wasting your energy, give another listen to “Wrecking Ball” with fresh ears and appreciate the genius of a true American icon, the poet of blue collar, The Boss.

5. David Byrne and St. Vincent—Love This Giant

The most surprising entry to the top ten. St. Vincent teams up with David Byrne. Yes, the man from the 80’s with the tiny head and the giant suit. That David Byrne. An unlikely pair who should seriously consider doing all their work together from this point forward. You get the feeling that without one another, the individual efforts put into this “Love This Giant” would’ve been less than spectacular, but lucky for us that wasn’t the case.

4. Regina Spektor—What We Saw From the Cheap Seats

 Regina Spektor lives on the line between beautiful pop and, well just weird. It’s the natural draw to weird that makes her standout however. The grunts, odd-swallowing-air noises, these things compliment the pace and rhythm changes she’s constantly messing with. At the moment, she’s the most interesting woman in music.

3. fun.—Some Nights

No album is 2012 had more quality singles than “Some Nights”. Starting with the title track, then adding “Carry On”, “Why Am I The One”, “Stars”, and of course, and of course the most infectious song of the year, “We Are Young.” And even beyond those, the other tracks are pretty good too.

2. Jack White—Blunderbuss

Ever since The White Strips hit the scene 10 years ago I’ve been waiting for this here album. Jack White has always been capable of Page-like riffs, from a Plant-like frontman, and even though he has had some pretty great albums previously, he has yet to hit one out of the park from cover to cover, until now. Jack White is already a legend, the best rock has to offer in its current state, but now he’s taken things up a notch.

1. The Shins—Port of Morrow

Five years have gone since “Wincing the Night Away”, the band’s last album, and in that team three bandmates went their own way. Usually not a recipe for success, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t for The Shins. Singer James Mercer has solidified his place in indie-pop royalty. An unmistakable voice, contemplative lyrics and Kevin Spacey-like appearance can only get you so far, but when you add a beautiful music bed for every song to lay in, and treat each one of those like your baby, you’ll wind up in a nice place. Just ask James.

Beach House’s vocalist Victoria Legrand has a voice that sounds like it’s from another time, or possibly another world. Well, she is French, so that’s kind of another world. Anyway, that Frenchy sure knows how to sing.

Gayngs – The Gaudy Side Of Town

Justin Vernon’s side project?… yes please. The Bon Iver front man teams up with group founder Ryan Olson, and about 25 other musicians, including members of Doomtree, Digitata, Polica, Megafaun, The Rosebuds, and Har Mar Superstar to create swelling music that makes you feel like you’re attending a zombie prom in the future. It feels like ‘80s George Michael with a contemporary and sort of eerie twist. “The Gaudy Side Of Town” is totally retro and totally fresh at the same time.

Phillip Phillips – Home

I never would have expected to write an endorsement for an American Idol winner’s first single, but Phillip Phillip’s “Home” really doesn’t fit the previous mold. The melody of the refrain will stick with you for days, and have you whistling the tune without even knowing it. It also doesn’t hurt that it was the theme song for the 2012 Olympic Women’s Gymnastics team, so it has that patriotic Springsteen quality. Maybe you’ve heard it 3,000 times over that past few months, but it’s still a damn good song.

Frank Ocean – Thinkin About You

Frank Ocean has redefined cool with his debut album “channel ORANGE.” It’s a little bit Kid Cudi mixed with some Prince, all done in a very understated and effortless fashion. It really is some sexy shit. Deservedly so, the album has received lots of critical acclaim since its release, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing and hearing a lot more Ocean in years to come.

The Shins – Simple Song

If you don’t like The Shins there’s a good chance you’re kind of a dick. Frankly, there’s not much to dislike. They’re clever. They’re sincere. They’re fun. They’re hip. They’re everything to all men. Well, maybe that’s a bit much, but they’re damn good. “Simple Song” was the first single from “Port of Morrow,” and is one nice ‘n’ meaty track with a theme we can all relate to. “I know that things can really get rough when you go in alone… I told you about all those fears, and away they did run.”

Grizzly Bear – Sleeping Ute

Brooklyn Indie Pop Rockers Grizzly Bear have created a distinctive sound that is all theirs. From the high, haunting vocals to the clean electric guitar tone, and syncopated beats, they’ve solidified their musical identity this year. “Sleeping Ute”(Ute is a Native American Tribe) mixes an aggressive acoustic guitar with a catchy electric riff and wafting synth to create a partly art house, partly pop, but all good song.

Sigur Ros – Varuo

Sigur Ros’ 2012 album “Valtari” was certainly good, but it lacked the triumphant builds and emotional dynamics present in so much of their other work. That said, Varuo was the record’s exception. Much like the slow clap at the winter Olympics as the Jamaican bobsled team walks their sled across the finish line after the brutal crash in “Cool Runnings”, such is the feeling you get as Varuo swells into triumph.

Allen Stone – Sleep

Look at Allen Stone’s long, curly, blonde locks, gaudy, nerdy eyewear, and overall silly appearance, one of the last things you’re likely to think is, “Damn that boy’s got soul!” But, judge not, because it’s true, that boy does have soul. Growing up in a small town in Eastern Washington, he began singing at his father’s church from a young age, and was introduced to soul greats like Stevie Wonder in his teen years. And the rest is history. “Sleep” highlights the cool, soulful presence of Stone that is oft not acquired by your average white boy.

The Deep Dark Woods – The Place I Left Behind

The band’s name is a good description of how you might feel while listening to “The Place I Left Behind.” It’s somber and ominous at times, but maintains a nostalgic quality that reminds you of some good ol’ fashioned folk music.

David Byrne & St. Vincent – I Should Watch TV

The Talking Heads front man David Byrne returned to the microphone this year accompanied by St. Vincent, to show that he’s just as weird and innovative as ever. “Love This Giant” is laden with brass and originality, and proves that the merging of these 2 artists is one of the best decisions either has ever made. “I Should Watch TV” is one of many standout tracks on the album, highlighting unique horn arrangements and Byrne’s space age vocals. The song will keep your toes tapping and your head slightly cocked as you consider what genre and time period this song belongs to. But, anyway you look at it, it’s freakin’ brilliant.

Alt-J – Tessellate

This British quartet put out their debut album this year, titled “An Awesome Wave,” and the track “Tessellate” serves as a great glimpse into what they are all about. Heavy synth is paired with hip-hoppish beats, and nasally, indie vocals provided by Joe Newman. It’s almost a recipe for disaster, but these guys know what they’re doing, keeping it cool and collected.

The Lumineers – Ho Hey

You might be living under a rock if you haven’t heard “Ho Hey,” or you just don’t watch TV as much as I do. It’s already made its way to several commercials and movie trailers, and has had ample radio time.  The song is simple and beautiful, and renews your faith in unrequited love. “I belong with you. You belong with me. You’re my sweetheart.” No arguing with that.

Fossil Collective – Let It Go

These up and comers from Leeds, England sound equal parts Neil Young, Fleetwood Mac, and Fleet Foxes. Filled with exceptional melodies accompanied by rich harmonies, “Let It Go” will make you wonder how these guys have stayed so under the radar.

Tame Impala – Apocalypse Dreams

Lay back, close your eyes, and prepare to enter into a 6 minute psychedelic trip. “This could be the day that we push through… the day that all our dreams come true,” Kevin Parker happily sings in the opening lines. But, after several mood swings and some existential questioning, a somber tone sets in as he sings, “Nothing ever changes. No matter how long you do your thing.” I can just picture him writing this song as he sees an animated version of himself, melting from one landscape into the next; from lands made of candy and breasts, to rooms with fiery walls and giant eyeballs staring him down. On an unrelated note, you know where I can get some shrooms?

Kopecky Family Band – Heartbeat

Maybe they aren’t family by blood, but The Kopecky Family Band still has that family good times group feel about them. Hailing from Nashville, they put out their debut album “Kids Raising Kids” this year. The record’s standout “Heartbeat,” is a fun and catchy song with a seriously kick ass video to accompany. If you’ve got a second, watch and enjoy.

Mumford & Sons – I Will Wait

Mumford & Sons newest album “Babel” was not too well received critically, but I don’t really get it. Is it totally predictable? Yes. Is it mostly basic pop song structure? Yes. Is it not making any noticeable progress from their last record? Yes. Okay, so maybe I do sort of get it, but I guess I’m okay with the fact that it’s exactly what I expected. “I Will Wait” is everything you can hope for from a Mumford song. It’s catchy, has a good build, and is easy to sing along with. Is it earth shattering? No. Am I asking myself too many questions? Probably.

Father John Misty – Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings

J. Tillman has been putting out records for years, most notably as a former member of Fleet Foxes, but this year he goes under the moniker Father John Misty to release the album “Fear Fun.” Although it’s the first album under a new name, it’s apparent this ain’t his first rodeo. “I got in my van with enough mushrooms to choke a horse and started driving down the coast with nowhere to go,” Tillman explains on how the album came about. “Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings” perhaps came about after a sexual encounter at a graveyard, while high on “Adderall and weed.” It’s a little bit grungy, mostly folky, and all Fonzie cool.

The xx – Angels

The xx are just the modern minimalists the music industry needs. Their music is so understated it’s almost pretentious, but they manage to maintain good song writing, lyrics, and melodies. “Angels” is a simple love song falling right in line with what the band represents. Romy Madley Croft converses with the guitar as if it is her love, and the percussion peaks its head out at opportune moments from time to time. It’s truly intimate.

I’m so hungry I could literally eat a horse.

You literally make my heart soar.

That is literally the most amazing thing that has ever been uttered.

I’m so high I might literally float away.

I’m so full I might literally explode.

Mind blown. Literally, my brain is gonna explode.

OMG! That is literally my favorite ever!

I literally just cried my eyes out.

She is literally glowing.

That is literally astonishing.

I’m about to literally die of boredom.

I’m so thirsty I could literally drink a lake.

I’m so mad I could literally piss glue.

She’s so hot, I’m literally preparing my fire hose.

You’re so smart you could be an encyclopedia, like literally.

I’m literally so happy I could ride a pig.

I’m literally gonna piss on a racehorse.

When your food arrives you dig in like a mindless hobo when suddenly, there it is, the mother of all shrimp sins: a poop trail. That disgusting collection of dirt/sand/whatever the hell shrimp eat running along the back of your uncleaned, pink friend.

Man, there is nothing like a reminder that your protein choice is, in fact, a lowly bottom feeder. That basically you are about to eat the peasant of the sea. And probably that the shrimp you have already ingested contained trace amounts of shrimp shit.

So props to all the lazy cooks out there leaving poop trails undisturbed and bringing shrimp-loving snobs, like me, down to earth.*

*Totally joking, I hate you.