The Wisdom of Jean-Claude Van Damme
By chance or by providence, these jewels of wisdom found their way to me about a week ago. Since that discovery, I have probably made over a dozen passes at writing an introduction for them, but nothing measures up. It did not matter what I produced, nothing came close to the level of excellence that was to follow. So, as we have learned from the French, if you can’t win (or even if you can, but would rather not make the effort), just surrender. Ladies and gentlemen...the Wisdom of Jean Claude Van Damme.
A cookie has no soul, it's just a cookie. But before it was milk and eggs. And in eggs there's the potential for life.
My wife is not my best sexual partner, but she's good with the housework.
God gave me a great body and it's my duty to take care of my physical temple.
Obviously I've taken drugs.
I love karate, it's like a bible to me. But deep inside I'm so I mean, I'm so sensitive.
I love people. I love life. I love animals. I love friendship and it's good for people to know that.
The Bison at Work: Take the Pledge
Things a lifetime of eating burritos has taught me about babies
- Support the neck.
- Both possess a scent similar to the glory of all that is holy.
- Keep the bottom tightly wrapped to avoid leaks.
- Don’t be surprised if they keep you up all night.
- People come running when you bring one into the room.
- To re-heat, wrap in a damp paper towel and microwave for 2 minutes.
Bison Wisdom: June 21, 2012
An Open Letter to Chet Spangler, Owner and Proprietor of The Pleasure Palace
Dear Mr. Spangler,
I must admit that I was more than displeased with the quality of your establishment. The marquee out front said to “Come Checkout Our Stimulus Package”, so given the current economic climate, I was more than happy to oblige. Unfortunately, Mr. Spangler, I felt cheated from the moment I entered the door. After opening the large pink velvet door (a moderately distasteful choice by the way...I recommend you distance yourself from the 60’s tripe and move on to something more timeless and classic, perhaps even mid-century modern), I was accosted by a bulky black man with cantaloupe-like biceps who proceeded to “pat me down” like he was tenderizing meat. While being exposed to what one may consider negligible molestation I did notice a sign on the wall that read,
“WE I.D. – 18 to show your titties, 21 to get shitty”. Why so crass? You work in an honest profession, so have some dignity. Is this meant to be a deterrent? And why assume that anyone over the age of 21 intends to “get shitty”? Couldn’t it just say “We ID” or at most “18 to work here, 21 to have a beer”? Sensationalizing public drunkenness is quite risky, especially in the vicinity of bare-breasted women.
After your bouncer decided that my risk for prostate cancer was minimal, I proceeded down the hall towards the pulsating beat of what some circles may consider music. By the way, what exactly
“Bloody Crimes” by James Swanson: A Capricious Book Review
It took a children's book to finally stoke my interest in arguably the most celebrated figure in American folklore. A couple of weeks ago, I thoughtlessly picked up a book from the library on Abraham Lincoln for our kids - only to find out that Clifford
is a much more compelling figure than The Great Emancipator to a 3 and 6 year-old; nonetheless, I read this pint-sized version of Lincoln's youth and ascent to presidency over lunch and was hooked. Since then, Honest Abe has become nothing less than an obsession.
You'd be right if you guessed that the children's book left out the assassination that turned Lincoln from a president with mixed reviews into the legendary hero whose stature seems to grow with each book written in his honor. There's no shortage of material on his life, but I remembered a recent bestseller that was dedicated to his assassination so the second Lincoln book I picked up was James L. Swanson's Manhunt
, which narrates Lincoln's gruesome murder and the 12-day chase for Lincoln's killer that ensues. Swanson opens with a pithy prologue suggesting that
Book Titles from the Alternative Childrens Learning Center
Horton Hears Mom and Uncle Dave Having Sex
James and the Giant Tumor
Charlotte's Web of Lies
The Velveteen Child From Dad's First Marriage
Shitty Shitty Gang Bang
Dr. Dolittle Boys
The Baby Sitter Molester Club
Jo on Rails
Quick Lesson in Presidential History
As a red-blooded American I've made a point of including red meat into just about every meal I consume, I'm an avid football fan and of course I'm a sucker for U.S. Presidential Trivia. Most of this trivia was learned from oversized books filled with portraits and tidbits about our commander in chief, but not all of it. That's because every once in a while on weekday afternoons there might be a song and dance number dealing with this very subject. This is one of those numbers.
Unfunny Jokes Become Even Less Funny
I’m not usually a big fan of regurgitated jokes. If it begins with “knock-knock”, “so a guy walks into”, or “what do you get when,” I probably will not enjoy it. Call me a snob but that’s the way I am. Do you know what’s even less funny then some joke that’s been more passed around than a joint at Cypress Hill concert? It’s when my friend Jayson tells me one of these gut-busters… and then explains it to me. Here’s how it usually goes.
Jayson: Oh shit, I have to tell you this joke.
Me: No man, please don’t. I really just don’t like your jokes.
Jayson: No you’re going to love this one. I laughed my ass off when it was told to me.
Me: (reluctantly) Jesus, fine. Go ahead, I can’t wait.