Sexual Positions or Things You Might Find in Your Garage
- Long Red Screwdriver
- Dirty Sleeping Bag
- Rusty Bike Pump
- Cincinnati Bowtie
- Toyota Prius
- Iranian Gasmask
- Dirty Old Shoe
- Daisy Chain
- Angry Spider
- Vintage Schwinn
- Dry Erase Marker
- Amish Plow
- Canadian Jackhammer
- Ghetto Blaster
- Mormon Missionary
- Polish Toboggan
- Israeli Pocket Taser
Charles Barkley Patted (Jiggled) My Man Boob
It’s not every morning you wake up beaming with pride over your bosom. Well at least not if you’re a man.
Six months ago I moved to Las Vegas. The year prior to the move I had put in a lot of work at the gym and lost a good amount of weight. I was in pretty good shape, firm(er), had some muscle starting to show in select areas of my body, and had a chest that with dramatic lighting and a partially obstructed view could pass as pecs. This all changed after the move. Since I arrived I’ve been busy with work, traveling more and just never really got the gym in my regular routine. However I haven’t had much problem making time for food and beer in said routine. I’ve even found a new meal, it takes place between second breakfast and brunch. Anyway, as my routine shifted so did my bod, in particular forming gelatinous breasts. This is not something I was particularly proud of…until yesterday.
Bison Wisdom: January 1, 2013
The Bison Revealed
2012 Summer Olympics are over? What the eff?
Every four years the world is treated to the real Olympics. Smack dab in the middle of each of those four years the bastard child called the Winter Olympics takes place, but that’s a glorified X-Games in many ways. So because the real Olympics are such a rare treat I felt it was worth a Studious Bison retrospective. Well that combined with the fact that Jersey Shore is on hiatus I have less to write about. Regardless, here are my impressions that I’ll take with me.
What I’ll miss…
• The U.S. Women’s Track Team had a historic run (no pun intended), dominated in several events, and making legitimate stars of Sonya Richards-Ross, Allyson Felix and Carmelita Jeter that harken back to dominance and flair of Flo Jo and Jackie Joyner Kersey. It’s not the pretty faces or blazing speed that I’ll be missing most those, it’s the abs. I mean seriously, those things were no joke.
• Tim Daggett. There’s so much I’ll miss about that guy. He’s actually a great commentator, but the fact that he calls a gymnastics meet while wearing a butt plug, or at least sounding like he does, makes him all the better.
• Getting exposed to international names I’m not that creative to make up. Like Russian basketball player, Semen Antonov, American volleyball player, Destinee Hooker, Japanese rhythmic gymnast, Natsuki Fukase, Brazilian soccer player, Hulk, South Korean pole vaulter Yoo Suk Kim, Slovenian swimmer, Peter Mankoc, not to be confused with British swimmer, Liam Tancock, then one, no, two Egyptian athletes named Mohamed Mohamed,, and of course, Chinese Trampolinist, Dong Dong.
What I won’t miss…
• The most clichéd Olympic post-competition question asked by commentators—will you be back? Whether it was 15-year old Katy Ledecky or some random spectator passing by, no one was off limits, “The people want to know, will we see you in Rio?” Shut up. • Ryan Seacrest.
• Misty May-Treanor seeking out any camera within 100 yards to wish a happy birthday to everyone she’s met and say “Go Dodgers!” And I’m a Dodger fan.
• Listening to Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera call the opening ceremonies like a Thanksgiving Macy’s Parade.
Jerry Lawler: The King Sings
Get a peek behind the scenes of the King’s most memorable record, “Wrestling With Girls.” And stay tuned for a live in studio performance of the title track by Lawler, himself.
This song serves as the perfect segue into the bone zone, so keep this one in your back pocket, guys. Be prepared for the clever innuendos to penetrate her thoughts and practically melt her clothes off. Not to mention, your chances of her screaming, “You’re the king!” are drastically improved.
For this gem, we thank you, Jerry. I owe you one.
Click Here To See Jerry Lawler in All His Awesomeness
On Closer Examination: The Roger Goodell Bro Hug
Was it just me or was the Commish getting a little jiggy with it last night at the NFL Draft?
I went to a wedding in 1999 with a live band performing. A few songs into their set a small Asian man, who appeared to be about 9-years old, stepped up to the mic and sang “Gettin’ Jiggy With It.” The dance floor paused for a minute to take in this unusual sight, but after a couple moments we all went back to dancing and enjoying the night.
Roger Goodell’s transition from the ‘all-business-handshake’ to the ‘hand-slap-bro-hug’ has had a similar effect.* Like watching Bill Clinton play the sax, you can’t help but chuckle
Sexual Positions or Things You Might Find in You Garage
1) Long Red Screwdriver
2) Dirty Sleeping Bag
3) Rusty Bike Pump
4) Cincinnati Bowtie
6) Toyota Prius
7) Iranian Gasmask
8) Dirty Old Shoe
On Closer Examination: Eli Manning, and Other Famous People That Look Like a Penis
When your brother is arguably the greatest player the sport (you both play in) has ever seen, it takes more than playing in New York to carve out your own identity. In fact, it takes more than perennial All-Pro talent, multi-million dollar contracts, Oreo cookie endorsements and two Super Bowl MVPs. You need to have some swagger, be a showstopper, give people a reason to grant you a second thought. You need to have your own look. And in Eli Manning’s case, that look is a penis.
Of course Eli Manning isn’t the only person to own this look. In sports, movies, music, politics, even on children’s television shows, the…let’s say, phallic look, is ever-present. And as varied as their talents and relevance, so are their looks. Because we all know, genitalia like fame, comes in all sorts of shapes, sizes, colors and personalities. So on with the show.
This poor sap seems to be a very nice, standup guy, who has all-world talent, yet he always looks mildly retarded in interviews. Not to mention he looks awkwardly similar to your standard, run-of-the-mill Caucasian penis.
What’s Happening to Me?
Plenty has been written about puberty and changes one’s body experiences during adolescence. I don’t mean to disgrace the subject by any means, as it is a rather important phenomenon worthy of exploitation, but why stop there? Why isn’t there a single book that can explain what the hell is happening to me? I used to be a good looking dude, ruggedly handsome by some accounts. On occasion I was even referred to as sexy. Unfortunately that time came to pass in the blink of an eye, and had I been privy to the existence of any literature that could help document the strange physical occurrences my body would soon experience, I would have devoured it with the tenacity of a wolverine. Heed fair warning, I am no fool; I knew that things like hair loss and going gray are inevitable, but why so soon. I began losing my hair at the age of twenty-seven, which wouldn’t be appalling if I lost it in a more dignified manner. Why can’t I go bald like Bruce Willis, and be one of the cool guys with the prolonged widow’s peak? Nope, God’s plan for my hair loss included a coaster sized spot on my right side without