Bison Wisdom: June 1, 2013
It’s time to eat and you have a craving for crustacean. You head to your favorite shrimp slingin’ establishment, order up your favorite, slightly more expensive, shrimply delicious meal and wait while your mouth waters.
When your food arrives you dig in like a mindless hobo when suddenly, there it is, the mother of all shrimp sins: a poop trail. That disgusting collection of dirt/sand/whatever the hell shrimp eat running along the back of your uncleaned, pink friend.
Man, there is nothing like a reminder that your protein choice is, in fact, a lowly bottom feeder. That basically you are about to eat the peasant of the sea. And probably that the shrimp you have already ingested contained trace amounts of shrimp shit.
So props to all the lazy cooks out there leaving poop trails undisturbed and bringing shrimp-loving snobs, like me, down to earth.*
*Totally joking, I hate you.
6 Things I Am Dying to Say to actor Matthew Mcconaughey
4. Please stop
6. Is this a joke? This is obviously a joke.
There is something I need to get off my non-plastic chest
I’m just going to come out and say it, Barbie, you are a royal slut.
Cruising around in your Mini Cooper skank wagon, with your Victoria’s Secret model-esque midriff and bazooka cleavage showing 24/7. Plus the slew of different Fashionista Kens in your passenger seat is cause for concern. I swear, a new guy every week. I mean, it's ok have a different outfit for every occasion, Barbie, but running through Kens like they’re high heels in your Dream Closet is just whoriffic. Honestly, people are beginning to talk. Not to mention
The Wisdom of Jean Claude Van Damme
By chance or by providence, these jewels of wisdom found their way to me about a week ago. Since that discovery, I have probably made over a dozen passes at writing an introduction for them, but nothing measures up. It did not matter what I produced, nothing came close to the level of excellence that was to follow. So, as we have learned from the French, if you can’t win (or even if you can, but would rather not make the effort), just surrender. Ladies and gentlemen...the Wisdom of Jean Claude Van Damme.
A cookie has no soul, it's just a cookie. But before it was milk and eggs. And in eggs there's the potential for life.
My wife is not my best sexual partner, but she's good with the housework.
God gave me a great body and it's my duty to take care of my physical temple.
I sooooo needed to tell this story
So I was so stoked to get these new super-hot boots, oh my god the were soooo smokin' hot! They were so sexy and sooooo on trend. I saw Blake Lively wearing them, she's soooo fashion forward. I was soooo excited to get these super hot boots that I wanted to take the day off work. I told my boss "Look, these boots are sooooo important to me and I am soooo looking forward to getting them, I soooo need to take tomorrow off so I can be the first one to get them!" She was like "Did you graduate high school?" and I was like "Huh?!" (soooo confused!) and she was like
Innocuous Words I Am Uncomfortable Saying
Subpoena- Defined as a writ issued by a court commanding an individual to appear in court, and I understand that, but I will not be heard using this word in casual conversation.
Penal- It may be derived from ‘penalty’, but it sure does not sound like it when spoken. The homosexual rape histories of the ‘penal system’ sure doesn’t help.
Teat- Maybe if I was raised on a dairy farm, but I wasn’t.
Nipple- I have a set of them, but I will rearrange whatever it is that I am saying or just stop talking altogether to avoid using it.
Moist- Not a descriptive I can justify using.
Remember who preserved the path for your most cherised desires
Resum-eh: The Do’s and Don’ts of Surviving in Canada as an Foreign Employee
These past few years have been tough. As instability in the credit market has wreaked havoc on the American economy, scores have been left unemployed, with countless others working ‘Mexican-level’ jobs just to get by. While the US suffers, however, our neighbors to the north have managed to stave off disaster; mostly because of their risk adverse economic model and over around pussy approach to things. As such, an increasing number of Americans are crossing the boarder into Canada in search of greener pastures and better jobs. Canadians are clicky, selfish people though, so finding work is often not a test of one’s skills and qualifications, but their ability to hide their American heritage. Though naturally unintelligent, Canadians have an innate ability to sniff out foreigners, so, with the help of a brave group of Americans who have been able to breakthrough the ‘ice ceiling,’ I have compiled a lists of do’s and don’ts to help outsiders find employment and survive where the sun don’t shine.
Don’t wear jewelry. Canadians, or criminals, as we know them in America, have an eye for valuable materials. A glimpse of a wedding band or plastic Timex will cause a violent
Breaking News from Libya
Courtesy of CNN/Matt Skelton