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In Case You Missed It: Girls Rulz
In case you missed it, the first season of Girls will end this Sunday, and I’m kinda devastated.  Here’s 10-ish things I love about it.

 

1. It’s naked and nude, but not like Game of Thrones. It takes incredible bravery for Lena Dunham (who writes, directs and stars in the show) to reveal the awkward and intimate details of her life, and her un-toned, imperfect body at the same time, usually while shoving a cupcake into it. And it’s just so nice to see naked people on HBO who don’t make me feel insecure about my body.   2. I can pretty much relate to every relationship every character has on the show, because I’ve had them too, but I felt weird about them. Now I don’t, as much.   4. Adam.  He’s one of the strangest, most perverted leading men I’ve ever seen and Lena Dunham’s writing manages to make him very charming in spite of that.

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In Case You Missed It – The Long Island Medium
In case you missed it there’s a woman who talks to dead people on The Learning Channel. Her name is Theresa Caputo, and she’s like a little Koala Bear from Long Island with an incredible spike of bleach blonde hair and amazing fake nails. If those aren’t blessings enough, she also has a direct line to the afterlife. It’s heaven, with a Long Island accent, and I love it like caughton candy and dairy mawt cawfee.

 

Theresa’s most charming moments are when she’s running errands around her hometown of Hicksville, throwing out life-changing readings like she’s asking people, “Did you get that scawf and Bergdorf’s!?”  But in actuality she says stuff like,”Do you have a brother that passed!? Cuz he’s talking to me right now, and he wants me to tell you that he sees you sitting in his chair every night!“  And people just crumble.*  In one episode, she holds up

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In Case You Missed It: South Park, you idiots!
In case you missed it, there’s a very real condition that’s eclipsing my fascination with Restless Leg Syndrome, possibly for good. It’s South Park Amnesia, or the constant forgetting of how hilarious and good South Park is.

 

Remember? South Park? You’ve watched it and laughed, appreciated, maybe even mentally high-fived Trey Parker and Matt Stone, but you don’t know what night it’s on.  You know what night 30 Rock and Happy Endings is on. (In case you missed it Happy Endings is pretty damn funny.)  You might even know when the new season of Workaholics is starting (can someone email me that?)  But when I ask you, “Do you watch South Park?” you’ll stutter something about how you used to but it’s been a long time. And then, when I tell you about the hilariously nonsensical episode featuring cats with bread on their heads, that makes an amazing point about pandering in the final 30 seconds, you’ll probably say (verbatim) “I really like South Park. I need to start watching it again.” But by the time you

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In Case You Missed It: Jersey Shore
In case you missed it, the Sitch is in rehab and Snookie is pregnant. In case you missed it, we’re at the end of an era. The puppet master has come out of hiding (see my very first submission) and the puppets are all slumped over, and not in the good way that marks the end of another epic night at Karma.

The Jersey Shore is over. And while I do look forward to winning my bet that the Sitch will be the first

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In Case You Missed It: Survivor
In case you missed it, a giant, spoiled-baby bigot named Colton (a 21-year-old, gay, sherbet-colored polo shirt enthusiast from Country Club, Alabama) was medevaced off of Survivor last Thursday. Honestly, I’m pretty sure you did miss it, because no one watches Survivor anymore (a topic I look forward to ranting about at your next cocktail party).   But here’s what I want to know: How is it possible that no one on that island –my boyfriend Jeff Probst included – how not a one stomped this guy in the face when they had the chance? Specifically, when he was lying on a stretcher suffering the agony of acute appendicitis.  

  Leif, the little person didn’t do it, even though Colton called him an annoying little Oompa Loompa more than once.  Christina didn’t do it, even though he ganged up against her with another mean-y, 4th-grade-style, and basically made her life a living hell, telling her openly that she

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This Has More To Do With Pop Culture Than You Think, But It’s Also Mostly About Me And You.
Several nights ago I dreamed that I was in bed with a puppet. Not a Muppet, per se, not a celeb puppet, but a generic puppet that you might see in the background of some Sesame Street skit– human in shape, but skinnier of limb, and with thin, feathery hair. He was orange, he was into me, and I was into that. But then from behind my felt-covered soon-to-be lover emerged a shadowy

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The Turkey Bowl
The Saturday after Thanksgiving is a big day for a lot of guys. It’s when many of us gather with our old high school buddies and hold the annual football game. For most of us it’s an opportunity to see old friends, catch up with how everyone's lives have changed, and maybe gossip a bit. It’s a great time. But what I want to talk about today is a particular aspect of the Turkey Bowl that is troubling. I'm speaking of course about The Guy. No one is quite sure how this guy shows up every year since he is never invited, but yet somehow every year, there he is. He is the guy who was shaving in 7th grade. He was talking about having sex when the rest of us were still trading baseball cards.  He isn't too interested in how anyone is, or has been doing. He just keeps talking about how he can't wait to "take one to the house". He works at a warehouse driving a forklift, and he recently spent a day’s wages on

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Looking back, the signs of abuse at the church were all around


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FUBYU
BYU is in the hunt for a #1 seed in the NCAA Tournament this year.  Let me say that again.  A Mormon school in Utah is on the verge of getting a #1 seed in the NCAA Tournament.  At least they were, until they suspended their leading rebounder for having pre-marital sex.  That’s right; they suspended a college student from the basketball team because he dared to have sex outside the sacred bond of marriage.  As a society we should laugh heartily at BYU, we should shame them out of the national conversation.  This is an outrage and it shouldn’t be tolerated. We happily watch as Florida, and maybe any other big time colleges recruit players from the penal colony, no offense is too great as long as you can play, and then stand by while a young man has his name drug through the mud for attempting to pro-create with his girlfriend? BYU’s honor code is a joke, a silly, outdated, ridiculous joke not worth the paper it’s printed on.

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The Vision of Back to the Future II, that never was
Back in 1986 after the tremendous success of Back to the Future, Universal Studios and Steven Spielberg were having difficulty getting Robert Zemeckis signed on for a sequel. Feeling helpless and trying to avoid stalling production the studio started looking at bringing in another director to see it through. They found their man in David Lynch. In Lynch’s version, after sending Marty back to the future and reading his note Doctor Emmet Brown realizes he has a second lease on life and he wants to live it to the fullest. Thirty years later he’s a gay, stock car hair stylist, Parrothead who splits half his year in Ixtapa hawking old Radio Shack parts and the other in North Carolina, where the film begins. In Doc’s time travels he finds trouble arises in the future. But for Marty himself, not his son. It turns out Marty fell on hard times and got a night job as fry guy at Wienerschnitzel, where he suffered severe burns from fryer grease. Feeling ugly and unloved Marty starts alienating himself, wearing lipstick, styling his hair with Crisco