These days it can be pretty hard to just get the facts. At some point we made a choice as a society that opinions were much more fun. A generation ago our parents turned on the evening news to get the facts, today we turn on Keith Olberman to get his opinion about the facts. I'm not saying its better or worse its just the way it is. Which is why I think more people should listen to me. You see, my opinions are facts. My ex wife and I used to fight like cats and dogs. I never understood it at the time.  After we split I spent a lot of time thinking and time has given me perspective. I came to realize, it must have been very frustrating for her to always be wrong. For instance, I would tell her it was no big deal when I lost the mortgage playing poker and she would really go ballistic. I see now that

On my commute to and from work there aren’t many things that make me angry.  I purposefully take a longer, but less congested and more scenic route so I can avoid being frustrated by traffic, or road work.  The little bit of extra time I spend on the road is more than mitigated by the relative ease of the drive.  Maybe that’s why lately I’ve found myself tempted to run over the one obstacle I can’t seem to avoid, no matter which route I take- bikers. More specifically, bikers who choose to ride in the middle of the road while wearing bright yellow, testicle outlining, lycra suits.  For all the good Lance Armstrong has done, and that shouldn’t be minimized, I still have to put his net value to the world at zero for the throngs of self important, exhibitionist, morons he inspired to take to our roads. To borrow from Jerry Seinfeld, who are these people?  Who the hell gets up in the morning and decides it’s a good idea to take a fucking ten speed out in the middle of the road?  Don’t we have bike trails for that?  If you must go out with your pals and ride bikes at least use the bike lane, and if there isn’t one, then guess what, you weren’t  meant to ride bikes there you buffoon. Some days I’ll be cruising along peacefully and then, here we go,

Frank and Beans Sticky Buns Sloppy Joes Fish Taco Pork Kumquats Blow Pops Clamato Pound Cake Rump Roast Spotted Dick Head Cheese Grape Nuts

When choosing your heroes consider doing the following--narrow your search to people who wear tee shirts with messages written on them. Once you've eliminated everyone else, look long and hard at the messages of philanthropy, political recruitment and cunnilingus, then choose what best suits you. Choose wisely.

Arizona Senator John McCain’s latest speech, intended to address health care, was once again littered with inquiries as to Joe the Plumber’s whereabouts. "Americans deserve to choose the health care they want in a free market system!" McCain exclaimed dramatically. "Hard working Americans like Joe the Plumber who is here with us today! Joe where are you? Is Joe with us? God damn it where is Joe?" Visibly upset by the news that Joe the Plumber was again not in attendance McCain stomped his foot angrily and demanded a slice of pie before he went down for his nap.