You Have Cancer. I Have Alcoholism.
Tom. I just heard the awful news. Needless to say I was shocked and saddened to learn that you have been diagnosed with cancer. I cannot imagine what you and your family must be going through. I wanted to write you in a feeble attempt at inspiration. For I too have been battling a disease that threatens everything I hold dear- Alcoholism.
So you see Tom, we both have diseases. And while yours is eating away your organs and will surely kill you in less than 6 months, mine has forced me to go to bars night after night and sleep with strange and sometimes unattractive women.Oh who am I kidding, exclusively unattractive women. But yet I press on Tom. I will not go quietly into that good night. I am sure your family is devastated by the news. Mine was too when they first learned of my disease. My wife cursed the Gods the first
Wedding Anniversary Gifts for tough times in a new millennia
Year 1 – Re-gifted cologne, jeans, halter-top or lingerie, which has been lingering in your closet from a previous relationship.
Year 2 – The Applebee’s Royal Treatment: Five Purple Hooters each served in a Brewtus glass.
Year 3 – Carnation flowers with Pak ‘N Save price tag sticker unpeeled.
Year 4 – Mix Tape bought at garage sale (this may or may not require a label maker to paste spouse’s name over the previous recipient’s name.)
Year 5 – $10 gift card to Spatula City.
Year 6 – Pet on clearance. After six years, you’re ready to commit, so it’s time to add an animal to the family. But not some fancy full-breed, no there are more affordable options like 3-legged dogs, one-eyed rabbits or cats with AIDS.
Year 7 – Homemade coupon book full of sexual favors that haven’t been done in a half-decade.
Top 50 Movies To Watch While Nursing a Hangover: 30-26
I know people who think this movie is really great. Although those people are wrong I will say, the movie isn’t boring. Johnny Depp starts out selling some pot in California and in about 20 pages worth of screenplay he becomes the biggest importer of cocaine in the United States. He sells a lot of cocaine, he does a lot of cocaine, he talks a lot about cocaine. But believe it or not, everything isn’t rosy in the life of a megaton cocaine importer and eventually, Things Go Bad and the poor guy ends up in prison. Anyway, I’m sure the guy whose life this movie was based on was incredibly exciting but, the excitement the movie provides lasts about as long as a cocaine high.
29. Men at Work
What an incredible metaphor this movie is for the careers of the co-stars. My judgment is telling me to just leave it at that.
28. The Last Boy Scout
I’ve really been trying to avoid using profanity when I write but for this, nothing else will do. Bruce Willis has the coolest fucking 5 o’clock shadow that has ever existed. Remember the Head Detective from In Loving Color? I wish they would have made a movie
Top 50 Movies To Watch While Nursing a Hangover: 35-31
35. Wild Wild West
When the credits roll on this masterpiece I promise, you will stare at the screen having been rendered speechless. This film exists in some alternate universe where, well, I don’t really know. I am completely incapable of even trying to explain what this movie is about. It is ostensibly set in the 19th
century but it has Will Smith using 21st
century pop jive. They still use six shooters and cannons but there is also a giant, steam powered, mechanical spider that is capable of shooting lasers. This is the type of movie that must really depress people who try to write movies for a living. Someone got paid a million dollars to write this and I assure you, if they gave my 3 year old daughter 140 million dollars and told her to make whatever movie popped into her head, she couldn’t do worse.
34. Midnight Run
You know, it’s not nearly as fun writing these when they are actually good movies. But what can I say, Midnight Run is a fantastic hangover movie. Sure, it’s an age old formula, actually it’s a couple of age old formulas in one movie. The odd couple on a road trip, how original. But the thing is,
TOP 50 MOVIES TO WATCH WHILE NURSING A HANGOVER: 40-36
40. Deep Blue Sea
There once was a great period in American Film History where either LL Cool J or Samuel L Jackson was in every movie that needed a slick talking black guy. The genius of Deep Blue Sea is that it has both of them. It also has genetically modified sharks that are as smart as, oh I don’t know, maybe a rhinoceros? The movie doesn’t really make clear just how smart the sharks are but, they are certainly smarter than the people who wrote this screenplay.
39. The Running Man
I’m a child of the 80’s what can I say? I’ll always have a soft spot for Arnold Schwarzenegger murdering hundreds, and hundreds of people in the name of good. This movie (and the Stephen King story on which it was based) was actually fairly prophetic in predicting reality television and, America’s general apathy toward appalling violence. It’s The Hunger Games for my generation I suppose. At any rate,
TOP 50 MOVIES TO WATCH WHILE NURSING A HANGOVER: 45-41
45. Independence Day
Independence Day has so many great moments in it. How about when Will Smith punches an alien in the face and says, “Welcome to Earth bitch!”. Or what about Randy Quaid flying a kamikaze mission to blow up the alien space ship? Or my personal favorite, Jeff Goldblum using his 1996 Toshiba Laptop to upload a computer virus to the aliens computer system. Amazing how the aliens operating system is Windows compatible isn’t it?
44. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
In short, this movie is terrible. Alan Quartermain, Captain Nemo, Tom Sawyer, Dorian Gray, Dracula’s Bride and even some weird version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde where Mr. Hyde is a power lifting alien, are indeed the titular extraordinary gentlemen. Only they have found themselves in The Screenplay of Extraordinary Stupidity. Still, it’s on TV a lot, has no plot to speak of, and if you
Top 50 Movies To Watch While Nursing a Hangover: Part 1, 50-46
What you are about to read is the Top 50 movies to watch when you have a hangover. As a man who has had A LOT of hangovers I know after an exciting night of (over) indulging, the best thing to do is lay on the couch, take a Vicodin or two, and drift in and out of consciousness while you waste a perfectly good day watching TV. If you do it right, the hangover can be almost as enjoyable as the activities that lead to your hangover.
That’s what inspired me to put together this list. I know, through painful trial and error, that movie watching while you’re hungover on the couch is a hell of a lot different than regular movie watching. For one, the quality of the movie goes out the window. Think about it, what are the ingredients for a great movie? An intricate plot, character development, lots of dramatic tension, and big events happening on screen. All of those things are the enemy of the hungover movie viewer. The last thing I want after a night of heavy drinking is to be emotionally involved in a movie. I don’t want to pay attention to a bunch of plot developments that are key to the experience. The type of movie I want is one where I can fall asleep for an hour, wake up, and know exactly what is happening on screen. I don’t want a bunch of loud noises or bright colors either.
Now, some, or all of the elements I just mentioned can be forgiven depending on the movie, but as general guidelines those are pretty good. Basically, you are looking for the cinematic equivalent of comfort food. You want something
An Open Letter to Wrestling Fans Everywhere
With Wrestlemania this weekend it’s the perfect time to stop and reflect on my trip to last years Mania in Arizona. But don’t click away from the page, as I’m not going to waste your time reviewing the show (Though we all love talking about the HBK/Taker epic encounter), I’m going to waste your time recounting the life shattering reality that hit me while attending the event, and hopefully improve your life in the meantime.
I know that being a wrestling fan makes me a little off, it’s something that I’ve grown to accept and almost embrace. But besides my diehard love for oiled up men rolling around in fake fights, I think
What pasty white kids do on Spring Break.
The Greatest Joy on Earth
It’s better to give than receive. I'm sure you've all heard the saying and you know what? It’s true. As a matter of fact, there is nothing that makes me feel better than offering my help to someone less fortunate. Except drugs.
Just the other day I was inquiring about a volunteer opportunity through my work. I was kind of feeling down and selfishly, I thought if I lent a helping hand in the community, that might be just what I needed to lift my spirits. And had I actually followed through and done it I'm sure it would have been just what the doctor ordered. Instead I swallowed 4 vicodin and watched movies all night on my couch. I don't mind telling you, I felt 100% better. It just goes to show you, doing drugs or volunteering is sure to make you happy!