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Charles Barkley Patted (Jiggled) My Man Boob
It’s not every morning you wake up beaming with pride over your bosom. Well at least not if you’re a man. Six months ago I moved to Las Vegas. The year prior to the move I had put in a lot of work at the gym and lost a good amount of weight. I was in pretty good shape, firm(er), had some muscle starting to show in select areas of my body, and had a chest that with dramatic lighting and a partially obstructed view could pass as pecs. This all changed after the move. Since I arrived I’ve been busy with work, traveling more and just never really got the gym in my regular routine. However I haven’t had much problem making time for food and beer in said routine. I’ve even found a new meal, it takes place between second breakfast and brunch. Anyway, as my routine shifted so did my bod, in particular forming gelatinous breasts. This is not something I was particularly proud of…until yesterday.

From the desk of:

On Closer Examination: Paula Deen’s Got the Suga’s
From the woman who brought us Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding and Bacon Cheeseburger Meatloaf, comes the latest creation from Paula Deen’s kitchen: Type 2 Diabetes. With the discovery of her disease I have so many thoughts…

 

  1. I will admit it, before the news of her diabetes I knew very little about what exactly she was up to in the kitchen. I heard plenty of jokes involving copious amounts of butter, buckets of sugar and rib-sticking recipes, but I never actually saw what these creations are. And now that I have seen them for myself I’m left thinking—this stuff looks delicious. I know that’s the fat guy in me (which also happens to be the same guy outside me) talking, but seriously, you have to admit that most of her creations sound pretty awesome.
  2. Is there anyone in the food world that feels more anxiety about eating in public than Paula Deen? Every time she’s in LA and TMZ has some homeless looking man on assignment, pointing a camera with a half-mile zoom at her  waiting for the perfect shot. Once she stops off for a chili burger, she’s got to know that she’s one jowl-popping bite away from joining David Hasselhoff in burger molestation infamy.
  3. The line between down-home, southern quaintness and imbecilic lunacy can be paper thin, and some people walk this tightrope on ice skates.

From the desk of:

The Wisdom of Jean Claude Van Damme
By chance or by providence, these jewels of wisdom found their way to me about a week ago.  Since that discovery, I have probably made over a dozen passes at writing an introduction for them, but nothing measures up.  It did not matter what I produced, nothing came close to the level of excellence that was to follow.  So, as we have learned from the French, if you can’t win (or even if you can, but would rather not make the effort), just surrender. Ladies and gentlemen...the Wisdom of Jean Claude Van Damme.

A cookie has no soul, it's just a cookie. But before it was milk and eggs. And in eggs there's the potential for life. My wife is not my best sexual partner, but she's good with the housework. God gave me a great body and it's my duty to take care of my physical temple. 

From the desk of:

If Dennis Quaid Was My Dad
If Dennis Quaid was my dad, I would be happy.  He’s probably a good dad, and I would probably love him.  Randy Quaid would be my uncle, and he’d wear caftans when he visited and buy me caftans for my birthday.  We’d live in Texas and I’d have a great accent.  My dad would invent a shrinking machine like he did in that one movie and take me for a ride in his shrinking spaceship.  We’d probably go inside my grandpa Buddy Quaid’s body and look around.  Maybe my mom would be PJ Soles since they dated in the late 70’s.  She’d introduce me

From the desk of:

On Closer Examination: Eli Manning, and Other Famous People That Look Like a Penis
When your brother is arguably the greatest player the sport (you both play in) has ever seen, it takes more than playing in New York to carve out your own identity. In fact, it takes more than perennial All-Pro talent, multi-million dollar contracts, Oreo cookie endorsements and two Super Bowl MVPs. You need to have some swagger, be a showstopper, give people a reason to grant you a second thought. You need to have your own look. And in Eli Manning’s case, that look is a penis.   Of course Eli Manning isn’t the only person to own this look. In sports, movies, music, politics, even on children’s television shows, the…let’s say, phallic look, is ever-present. And as varied as their talents and relevance, so are their looks. Because we all know, genitalia like fame, comes in all sorts of shapes, sizes, colors and personalities. So on with the show.   Eli Manning This poor sap seems to be a very nice, standup guy, who has all-world talent, yet he always looks mildly retarded in interviews. Not to mention he looks awkwardly similar to your standard, run-of-the-mill Caucasian penis.

 


From the desk of:

Oscar Preview
With the 83rd Academy Awards approaching this weekend we've compiled a few videos that deserve another look. Take these into consideration before we all find out who takes home the prizes on Sunday. There were many actors and filmmakers who made a splash this year. Natalie Portman, Jesse Eisenberg and James Franco were just a few names that took a big step, taking them to another level of super-stardom. So take a look at the videos and enjoy the fireworks.

From the desk of:

The Cage Method
Acting, in its earliest form, likely came well before technologies were developed to record or recount such events. The first known actor, Thespis, lived in the ancient Greek city of Icaria and is the earliest person known to perform for audiences as a character. From Thespis, comes the well-known actor term: thespian. Actors, or thespians, are known to approach performances from a variety of directions, depending on their training. While some embrace the performance aspects of their art with grand deliveries and flamboyant body movements, others choose a more realistic, true-to-life approach known as ‘Method’ acting. Though neither is inherently better than the other, practitioners usually have strong feelings one way or the other.

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The Famous-for-Nothing Checklist
Are you a rich girl whose dad invented the internet or something and feel like you’re missing out on all the publicity you’re due?  Tired of all the other celebutantes hogging the spotlight?  Think you’re ready for your own reality show?  Just follow this simple checklist and the E! Network will be knocking down your door in no time!
  • Swallow a handful of Soma, wash it down with a swig of Kauffman Luxury Vintage vodka, and drive your Bentley onto the center divide of the La Cienega freeway.  Proving that you’re a reckless, drug-abusing wild thing is definitely the first step in becoming newsworthy.