6 Things I Am Dying to Say to actor Matthew Mcconaughey
4. Please stop
6. Is this a joke? This is obviously a joke.
Top 50 Movies To Watch While Nursing a Hangover: 30-26
I know people who think this movie is really great. Although those people are wrong I will say, the movie isn’t boring. Johnny Depp starts out selling some pot in California and in about 20 pages worth of screenplay he becomes the biggest importer of cocaine in the United States. He sells a lot of cocaine, he does a lot of cocaine, he talks a lot about cocaine. But believe it or not, everything isn’t rosy in the life of a megaton cocaine importer and eventually, Things Go Bad and the poor guy ends up in prison. Anyway, I’m sure the guy whose life this movie was based on was incredibly exciting but, the excitement the movie provides lasts about as long as a cocaine high.
29. Men at Work
What an incredible metaphor this movie is for the careers of the co-stars. My judgment is telling me to just leave it at that.
28. The Last Boy Scout
I’ve really been trying to avoid using profanity when I write but for this, nothing else will do. Bruce Willis has the coolest fucking 5 o’clock shadow that has ever existed. Remember the Head Detective from In Loving Color? I wish they would have made a movie
Top 50 Movies To Watch While Nursing a Hangover: 35-31
35. Wild Wild West
When the credits roll on this masterpiece I promise, you will stare at the screen having been rendered speechless. This film exists in some alternate universe where, well, I don’t really know. I am completely incapable of even trying to explain what this movie is about. It is ostensibly set in the 19th
century but it has Will Smith using 21st
century pop jive. They still use six shooters and cannons but there is also a giant, steam powered, mechanical spider that is capable of shooting lasers. This is the type of movie that must really depress people who try to write movies for a living. Someone got paid a million dollars to write this and I assure you, if they gave my 3 year old daughter 140 million dollars and told her to make whatever movie popped into her head, she couldn’t do worse.
34. Midnight Run
You know, it’s not nearly as fun writing these when they are actually good movies. But what can I say, Midnight Run is a fantastic hangover movie. Sure, it’s an age old formula, actually it’s a couple of age old formulas in one movie. The odd couple on a road trip, how original. But the thing is,
The Wisdom of Jean Claude Van Damme
By chance or by providence, these jewels of wisdom found their way to me about a week ago. Since that discovery, I have probably made over a dozen passes at writing an introduction for them, but nothing measures up. It did not matter what I produced, nothing came close to the level of excellence that was to follow. So, as we have learned from the French, if you can’t win (or even if you can, but would rather not make the effort), just surrender. Ladies and gentlemen...the Wisdom of Jean Claude Van Damme.
A cookie has no soul, it's just a cookie. But before it was milk and eggs. And in eggs there's the potential for life.
My wife is not my best sexual partner, but she's good with the housework.
God gave me a great body and it's my duty to take care of my physical temple.
TOP 50 MOVIES TO WATCH WHILE NURSING A HANGOVER: 40-36
40. Deep Blue Sea
There once was a great period in American Film History where either LL Cool J or Samuel L Jackson was in every movie that needed a slick talking black guy. The genius of Deep Blue Sea is that it has both of them. It also has genetically modified sharks that are as smart as, oh I don’t know, maybe a rhinoceros? The movie doesn’t really make clear just how smart the sharks are but, they are certainly smarter than the people who wrote this screenplay.
39. The Running Man
I’m a child of the 80’s what can I say? I’ll always have a soft spot for Arnold Schwarzenegger murdering hundreds, and hundreds of people in the name of good. This movie (and the Stephen King story on which it was based) was actually fairly prophetic in predicting reality television and, America’s general apathy toward appalling violence. It’s The Hunger Games for my generation I suppose. At any rate,
TOP 50 MOVIES TO WATCH WHILE NURSING A HANGOVER: 45-41
45. Independence Day
Independence Day has so many great moments in it. How about when Will Smith punches an alien in the face and says, “Welcome to Earth bitch!”. Or what about Randy Quaid flying a kamikaze mission to blow up the alien space ship? Or my personal favorite, Jeff Goldblum using his 1996 Toshiba Laptop to upload a computer virus to the aliens computer system. Amazing how the aliens operating system is Windows compatible isn’t it?
44. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
In short, this movie is terrible. Alan Quartermain, Captain Nemo, Tom Sawyer, Dorian Gray, Dracula’s Bride and even some weird version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde where Mr. Hyde is a power lifting alien, are indeed the titular extraordinary gentlemen. Only they have found themselves in The Screenplay of Extraordinary Stupidity. Still, it’s on TV a lot, has no plot to speak of, and if you
Top 50 Movies To Watch While Nursing a Hangover: Part 1, 50-46
What you are about to read is the Top 50 movies to watch when you have a hangover. As a man who has had A LOT of hangovers I know after an exciting night of (over) indulging, the best thing to do is lay on the couch, take a Vicodin or two, and drift in and out of consciousness while you waste a perfectly good day watching TV. If you do it right, the hangover can be almost as enjoyable as the activities that lead to your hangover.
That’s what inspired me to put together this list. I know, through painful trial and error, that movie watching while you’re hungover on the couch is a hell of a lot different than regular movie watching. For one, the quality of the movie goes out the window. Think about it, what are the ingredients for a great movie? An intricate plot, character development, lots of dramatic tension, and big events happening on screen. All of those things are the enemy of the hungover movie viewer. The last thing I want after a night of heavy drinking is to be emotionally involved in a movie. I don’t want to pay attention to a bunch of plot developments that are key to the experience. The type of movie I want is one where I can fall asleep for an hour, wake up, and know exactly what is happening on screen. I don’t want a bunch of loud noises or bright colors either.
Now, some, or all of the elements I just mentioned can be forgiven depending on the movie, but as general guidelines those are pretty good. Basically, you are looking for the cinematic equivalent of comfort food. You want something
Some Stuff That Would be Cool
It would be cool if I got into a car accident with Dwayne Johnson. He might feel guilty about wrecking my car and give me an autographed photo of him as The Scorpion King.
It would be cool if I directed a movie with Wes Anderson. Then I’d probably be rich.
It would be cool if I was a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I could teach Harry how to really use his wand while introducing him to my Blast-Ended Skrewt.
It would be super cool if Jason Schwartzman was my baby daddy. He’d probably be
A Rare Dose of Cameronian Restraint
Does anyone out there remember the sex scene in the original Terminator? I was lucky enough to see the movie again last night and the years had caused me forget how tastefully done the erotica is. Reece and Sarah Conner have been through the ringer, running from an emotionless cyborg hell bent on killing them. Then they finally get some down time in a road side motel where they can make some pipe bombs and engage in coitus and James Cameron for once doesn’t go over the top. There are some shots
House Party on the Hardwood
This year a retro haircut in college basketball has taken me back to the glory days of early 90’s NCAA hoops. I was in late elementary and early jr. high school at the time, developing a deeper love for sports and college basketball in particular.
This was a great time to be a college basketball fan. Coack K was building a milk toast rebellion with young Jedis like Christian Laetner, Grant Hill and Bobby Hurley, meanwhile at the Death Star there was no shortage of towel-biting and backroom deals for the Rebels of UNLV. And somewhere in the middle was the most storied team in NCAA history at Kentucky with Jamal Mashburn and his unique hairstyle writing the newest chapter.
At this time the Bel Biv Devoe, Another Bad Creation and the rest of the East Coast Family were lighting up the soundboards at radio stations, movie goers had bullets to dodge at theaters thanks to movies like New Jack City, Menace 2 Society and the like. But there was also a more light-hearted movie where the worst you’d face is a possible shank—the movie was House Party and it was